Entry 019: "King Kong Lives" (1986)

I wish it stayed dead.

Dear Internet,

                "King Kong Lives" is a bad movie.  I do not feel like beating around the bush for 600 words or so to get to this.  I could tell it was going to be a bad movie from the first ten minutes.  The plot of the story follows directly from remake version made in 1976.  The movie begins with the final moments of the last film, so one does not even need to watch the remake to know what happened.  Mighty Kong climbs up a giant building, fights with helicopters that shoot him full of very bloody holes, and he falls to his death.  Or does he?  "King Kong Lives" decides to revive the gigantic terror.  He does not die but is instead taken to a warehouse facility.  There, scientists but him on life support.  Cue the giant dialysis machine and other equally proportional medical machines.  The best part of the opening scene is the giant mechanical heart that they wish to transplant into Kong to take him out of his coma.

                Why do these scientists want to preserve King Kong and bring him back to life?  Did they just forget the numerous individuals that the beast killed and maimed in the last film?  Even in the opening scene that acted as a recap, he killed the men that were piloting one helicopter.  This giant plot hole of the purpose of keeping Kong alive is magnified later on when the heroine of the story notes after finding the mangled bodies of hunters that Kong killed, "You've killed now.  Nothing will stop them from killing you."  He already did kill, many times before he went into his coma.  If anything, up to that point the army was being merciful, only trying to subdue the Kongs with knockout gas.  Oh, did I forget to mention that, Internet, there is another Kong.

                Lady Kong appears early on in the film when a jungle explorer decides to take a nap in a pile of leaves.  Lo and behold, that's not just a pile of leaves, but the hand of a  giant gorilla.  As the explorer, Hank, runs for his life, the local indigenous people jump out of the bushes and rescue Hank by using tranquilizer darts which are more effective than what the army later uses in the film.  Those all natural cures are always so much better than the synthetic ones, are they not?  So, the university that treats the King pays for Lady to be flown in so they can utilize the plasma that she has for a transfusion for King Kong so they can transplant his mechanical heart.  While this seems like an elaborate setup for a line asking if "Kong can love with a heart of metal," the line never comes.  Instead, the viewer is given an unintentionally humorous surgical scene for Kong's transplant.

                All the doctors suit up and the photographers all assemble to witness the world's largest artificial heart transplant.  The scene is littered with giant forceps, clamps and other large surgical equipment.  Instead of being a dramatic scene, it comes across as a bit act by clowns with comically huge instruments.  On the circular saw with a diameter of more than a foot, there is a warning sticker slapped right above.  So, you know they are not using specially made equipment but more likely went down to their closest industrial supply store.  When the doctors cut into Kong's breastbone, blood spews everywhere, coating their scrubs red.  Instead of being grossed by it, I wondered why none of them were wearing eye protection.  Did none of them think that having a giant saw cut through bone might spew blood into their eyes?  When it get time to remove Kong's heart, what do they use?  A giant claw crane.  There is a better chance of that thing squeezing so hard that the heart bursts like a crushed grape than removing it intact.

The Claaaaaw.

                After the successful surgery, everyone goes to a high class tuxedo fancy party, but the main hero still finds a bottle of beer to drink while everyone else drinks out of glasses.  Meanwhile, Kong wakes up, gets up, and is jumping before the scientists watching him decide to subdue him with a magic button.  That does not last long until Kong reawakens, goes to find his lady friend, and escapes with her.  Where do the titanic colossi escape into the mountains?  Honeymoon Ridge, of course, where the audience has to sit through the apes flirt, or attempt to in Kong's case.  Somehow, giant snakes are not romantic.  

                The cast that populate this film are so poorly made that you cannot sympathize with their stupidity.  In one scene, when King Kong rescues Lady Kong, all the personnel decide to get in their bulldozers to stop Kong.  Moments ago, there was talk of a tranquilizer gun that could put one of them down quickly.  Instead, everyone forgets about it.  At the same time, Hank decides to stop the men firing on Kong by driving a car into the car that the soldiers are standing on.  One of the soldiers gets nearly run over and the others are thrown for quite a loop.  Hank gets a wrist slap over that and everyone forgets how he helped Kong escape.  Another sign of stupidity occurs when the heroine of the film, Dr. Amy Franklin, comments that Kong's mechanical heart is "actually stronger."  How in the world did an artificial heart get stronger?  That's like saying the horsepower in your car's engine increased overnight without you doing anything to it.

                The closest thing to a adequately written character is Lt. Col. Archie Nevitt, the officer instructed to watch over the captured Lady Kong and track King Kong throughout the film.  The film tries to portray him as a disgruntled army commander who wants nothing to do with the whole affair, but instead he is the most sympathetic character of the lot.  At first he is willing to capture the escaped Kongs by use of gas rather than killing them, even if it is because of orders.  Later on he is forced to keep his entire command at a base for over four months to watch over Lady Kong because the army does not know what to do with it.  Nobody mentions anything about releasing it back where it came from.  After that, when his men are nearly killed trying to stop Kong he is rightfully infuriated about risking his men in such a fiasco.  At the end of the film, he is squashed under Kong's fist and Nevitt's legs stick up comically in the air.  Throughout the film he has to try and protect people and property from the rampaging beasts.  His involvement is only because the main cast was too foolish in their hopes to revive a monster and keep its mate nearby.  He is there to do his job mostly, and when those around him are so incompetent to do theirs and recognize the situation for what it is, he makes the tough decisions that need to be made.

                "King Kong Lives" has got many more marks against it that I stopped counting.  If I continued to take notes on all the problems and inconsistencies of the movie, I would have doubled my notes.  The only way to enjoy this film is to go into it as a bad movie.  Make your expectations low and laugh at the ludicrously bad writing, acting, and plot.  Also, try to stop yourself from wondering why in the world the people in this story thought that reviving a monster would stop it from being a monster.

Yours in digital,

BeepBoop

P.S. For tomorrow, Fable 3 for the Xbox 360.  That also means more streaming, hopefully.